A guy who purchased his lovely
wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant.
The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun
--adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and
I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to
Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it,"
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
H OLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION,
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura
ran in picked me up
and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both n~~ples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both n~~~ples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking
for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,