EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to
the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in
the wrong one.
       
        Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest
wall. "Big breaths,"
I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
       
        > Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
       
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
       
        Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
       
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress
and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over
fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the
old patch before applying a new one.
       
        Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
       
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly
patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of
complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my
husband was alive."
       
        Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
       
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then
asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY
Jelly."
       
        Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
       
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting
a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was
quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so
she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic
hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to
mow the lawn."
       
        Submitted by RN no name
       
        AND FINALLY!!!................
       
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was
quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To
cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this
exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.. I
looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling
you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
       
        Dr. Wouldn't submit his name