First Mass

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
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> After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
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> The monsignor replied , 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the
> pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
> nervous, I take a sip.'
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> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
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> At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
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> He proceeded to talk up a storm.
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> Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
> on the door:
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> 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
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> 2) There are 10 com mandments, not 12.
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> 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
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> 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
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> 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
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> 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
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> 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
> Junior and the spook.
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> 8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
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> 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
> he was stoned off his as s.
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> 10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
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> 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and
> eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
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> 12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
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> 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
> the g rub, Yeah God.
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> 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
> peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
>