Airline  Announcements

    United  Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not
picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
    On  landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings.  If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have."
    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this  airplane."
    An  airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at  the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline."  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. 
    She  said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
    "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is  it?"
    The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot  down?"
    As  the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald  Reagan,
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big  fella,  WHOA!"

    After  a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight  announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead  compartments because sure as hell
everything has shifted  after a landing like that."
    Another  flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the  terminal."
    Overheard  on an American Airlines flight  into Amarillo , Texas
on a particularly  windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it.  After an  extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies  and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the  gate!"
    "Your  seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the
event  of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
    "As  you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed  evenly among the
flight attendants.  Please do not  leave children or spouses......except
for that gentleman  over there."
    Heard  on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City .  The flight attendant came  on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
    After  a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the  attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please  remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have  brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the  gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you  can pick your
way through the wreckage to the  terminal."
    Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get
the insane  urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
    Heard  on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if
you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke  'em."
    A  plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight  Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" 
    Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so  sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the
front of my pants!"
    A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.  You should see
the back of mine!"